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lavendersparkIt can be excruciatingly difficult to recognize that your parent is toxic. Because here's the rub: Your parents can love you, and you likely love them. To pieces. Familial toxicity is often something that children only realize exists after they reach adulthood. It is such a difficult, hidden, self-blaming psychological situation that it actively resists being uncovered — and you've often got to be grown to untangle the reality of what happened to you. It's a lonely process, because above everything, toxic parents will deny that they're toxic parents.
The key thing to realize about having toxic parents is that there are many different kinds of toxicity, from Judy Garland's pushy stage mother to those who are entirely absent. Dr. Susan Forward, an expert on the topic, identifies several types in her classic book Toxic Parents. They range from alcoholics to inadequate parents to verbal abusers. However, while they may come in stripes of all colors, some of their effects on their children can be the same. Even if you had an alcoholic, chaotic parent while someone else had one who suffocated them, the two of you will likely have some things in common.
I've only recently realized that my parents are toxic (at the age of 27) because of significant therapy, a lot of research, and fellow sufferers offering solidarity. If you feel like this, read up on toxic parents, go to the experts, and good luck. May you have an ultimately fulfilling, if hard, journey of realization.
1. You Find Trusting Relationships Difficult
This is a fairly basic problem. If parents, who are meant to be our main caregivers and providers of structure, are in some way deficient or can't give us real support, then we find it difficult to create supportive attachments when we grow up, or to believe that they're going to last. Because of the particular model we have (whether it's a parent who exploded, was constantly overcritical, vanished, or demanded perfection), we don't have a healthy view of real, caring relationships, and we always subconsciously believe that we'll be treated as our parents treat us.
This can lead to self-sabotage, destructive relationship behavior, neediness, or a variety of other attachment problems. At the root, we're worried that our relationships will fail because we've never really experienced a fully successful one.
2. You Take Rejection And Failure Very Hard
Freak out when you fail a test or have your novel gently turned down by an agent? (I feel you. Find me on Twitter, and let's compare battle scars.) Children of toxic parents often tend to have a thoroughly terrifying reaction to anything that isn't stellar success.
It's thanks to a lack of what therapists sometimes call your "substance" — the part of you that is nourished by self-care, that can take shocks or harsh treatment, because you maintain a certain amount of belief in your innate value and worthiness. It's created by years of affirmation and security, and without it, the smallest knock sends us lurching into misery. We're never good enough, we're worthless, we have no real core, etc.
3. You Often Have Extreme Reactions That Confuse You
Sure, part of this is just the human condition. But if you often lash out peculiarly, or freak out at things that don't seem to be connected to anything, then you may have uncovered something leftover in your head from your toxic upbringing. An example: You may have decided to pursue a career in a nonprofit, fulfilling your dream, but become inexplicably fearful or angry when anybody brings up your salary. You've carried over a parent's violent disapproval about how little you might earn. These feelings could include guilt, irritation, fear of abandonment, or irrational anger.
Tracking these reactions may make you feel as if you're going crazy. They'll often be completely contrary to your conscious decisions, and you likely don't even realize where they're coming from. But if they come from your parents, it's a sign of toxicity.
4. You Tend To Put Your Own Emotional Needs Last
Whether you grew up with a verbally or physically abusive parent, a manipulative one, or any of the other kinds outlined by Dr. Forward, your own emotional life will have always come last in the hierarchy of the household. And it's likely that your emotional decisions are still governed by what they're going to think, rather than what's best for you or your relationships. You're used to pushing your own hurt, anger, or worry to the back of your mind, because expressing it always led to problems.
5. You Feel Out Of Touch With Your Real Self
Many children of toxic parents find it exceptionally difficult to identify who they are once they grow up. Forward identifies three areas in which their self-knowledge falls short: "who you are, what you feel, and what you want." You've spent so much time suppressing your real self, from your emotions to your reactions, to deal with the onslaught of your parents that you haven't had a chance to pay attention to your own development. Your sense of confusion and distance runs very deep indeed.
6. Your Inner Voice Is Incredibly Critical
This is a key one. Psychology Today defines self-esteem as your sense of self-worth or personal value, and children of toxic parents often have a severe deficit in that department. It goes back to the "substance" problem, how you weren't given the support necessary to build a core of self-belief. But it goes further than that. Many children of toxic parents suffer from an "inner critical voice" which tells them (like their parents did) that they are stupid, worthless, unworthy, complete failures, and/or general trash.
Note that your parents do not necessarily have to have told you any of this explicitly. These messages can be conveyed in many ways, from controlling behavior (which says that you're incapable on your own) to pushing relentlessly for perfection (which says that you're never going to be good enough). If your self-esteem constantly feels battered when you're around your parents or thinking about incidents from your childhood, you may have a toxicity problem.
7. You've Often Felt Responsible For Your Parents' Behavior
One of the features that seem to bring the adult children of toxic parents together is that, until they go into therapy, they often don't really acknowledge that their parents did anything wrong. Their family dynamic is so entrenched that they don't think of it as abnormal; it's just "the way things are." If your parents beat you, it was to keep you in line. If they were verbally abusive, you were acting out and deserved it. If they neglected you, you learned to be self-sufficient.
Children of toxic parents could have PhDs in justifying why their parents treated them so badly. Many of us still love our parents, and have been fed a constant narrative that we were the problem. It is extremely hard to move away from this point of view, and to pass through guilt and shame to understanding it wasn't our fault. But it can happen.
Source:http://www.bustle.com/articles/129270-7-signs-you-grew-up-with-a-toxic-parent-didnt-know-it
I found this on FB the other day. 4, 5, & 6 are me. All the way. But I have notes of 1 & 2 as well. My mom is super critical and making her happy/impressing her is impossible. And everything is her way or no way. Growing up I had very little self esteem and no sense of self worth. My thoughts and feelings didn't matter, so I never voiced them. And my mom was never emotionally available, so I never learned how to voice them properly anyway.
She wasn't that way on purpose. Her upbringing wasn't easy either and she was thrown into parenthood before she was ready to be a parent and then had to do it on her own. So I know she did her best and she tried to be strong for me while battling her own demons (she also suffers from depression), but it didn't stop me from wanting a mom who was more affectionate, more understanding, and more present. Our relationship now is awkward. I think we both want a closer relationship, but neither of us knows how to get there and the distance doesn't help.
When my daughter was a baby, I was jealous of how my mom interacted with her. Like, where was that behavior when I was small? But through therapy (and my own determination) I've let it go. I'm trying to see it as my mom getting a do over. And I'm doing my best to be the mom I wanted, to make sure my daughter knows she is loved and that I'm here for her.
It's a struggle because I have no idea what I'm doing and nothing to fall back on. I do find myself acting like my mom sometimes and it kills me. But I also need to be careful not to make her dependent on my praise. It may just be a phase, but she's constantly seeking that "good job" and it worries me. I want her to be well balanced, happy, and independent. I think that's everyone's goal as parents.
The key thing to realize about having toxic parents is that there are many different kinds of toxicity, from Judy Garland's pushy stage mother to those who are entirely absent. Dr. Susan Forward, an expert on the topic, identifies several types in her classic book Toxic Parents. They range from alcoholics to inadequate parents to verbal abusers. However, while they may come in stripes of all colors, some of their effects on their children can be the same. Even if you had an alcoholic, chaotic parent while someone else had one who suffocated them, the two of you will likely have some things in common.
I've only recently realized that my parents are toxic (at the age of 27) because of significant therapy, a lot of research, and fellow sufferers offering solidarity. If you feel like this, read up on toxic parents, go to the experts, and good luck. May you have an ultimately fulfilling, if hard, journey of realization.
1. You Find Trusting Relationships Difficult
This is a fairly basic problem. If parents, who are meant to be our main caregivers and providers of structure, are in some way deficient or can't give us real support, then we find it difficult to create supportive attachments when we grow up, or to believe that they're going to last. Because of the particular model we have (whether it's a parent who exploded, was constantly overcritical, vanished, or demanded perfection), we don't have a healthy view of real, caring relationships, and we always subconsciously believe that we'll be treated as our parents treat us.
This can lead to self-sabotage, destructive relationship behavior, neediness, or a variety of other attachment problems. At the root, we're worried that our relationships will fail because we've never really experienced a fully successful one.
2. You Take Rejection And Failure Very Hard
Freak out when you fail a test or have your novel gently turned down by an agent? (I feel you. Find me on Twitter, and let's compare battle scars.) Children of toxic parents often tend to have a thoroughly terrifying reaction to anything that isn't stellar success.
It's thanks to a lack of what therapists sometimes call your "substance" — the part of you that is nourished by self-care, that can take shocks or harsh treatment, because you maintain a certain amount of belief in your innate value and worthiness. It's created by years of affirmation and security, and without it, the smallest knock sends us lurching into misery. We're never good enough, we're worthless, we have no real core, etc.
3. You Often Have Extreme Reactions That Confuse You
Sure, part of this is just the human condition. But if you often lash out peculiarly, or freak out at things that don't seem to be connected to anything, then you may have uncovered something leftover in your head from your toxic upbringing. An example: You may have decided to pursue a career in a nonprofit, fulfilling your dream, but become inexplicably fearful or angry when anybody brings up your salary. You've carried over a parent's violent disapproval about how little you might earn. These feelings could include guilt, irritation, fear of abandonment, or irrational anger.
Tracking these reactions may make you feel as if you're going crazy. They'll often be completely contrary to your conscious decisions, and you likely don't even realize where they're coming from. But if they come from your parents, it's a sign of toxicity.
4. You Tend To Put Your Own Emotional Needs Last
Whether you grew up with a verbally or physically abusive parent, a manipulative one, or any of the other kinds outlined by Dr. Forward, your own emotional life will have always come last in the hierarchy of the household. And it's likely that your emotional decisions are still governed by what they're going to think, rather than what's best for you or your relationships. You're used to pushing your own hurt, anger, or worry to the back of your mind, because expressing it always led to problems.
5. You Feel Out Of Touch With Your Real Self
Many children of toxic parents find it exceptionally difficult to identify who they are once they grow up. Forward identifies three areas in which their self-knowledge falls short: "who you are, what you feel, and what you want." You've spent so much time suppressing your real self, from your emotions to your reactions, to deal with the onslaught of your parents that you haven't had a chance to pay attention to your own development. Your sense of confusion and distance runs very deep indeed.
6. Your Inner Voice Is Incredibly Critical
This is a key one. Psychology Today defines self-esteem as your sense of self-worth or personal value, and children of toxic parents often have a severe deficit in that department. It goes back to the "substance" problem, how you weren't given the support necessary to build a core of self-belief. But it goes further than that. Many children of toxic parents suffer from an "inner critical voice" which tells them (like their parents did) that they are stupid, worthless, unworthy, complete failures, and/or general trash.
Note that your parents do not necessarily have to have told you any of this explicitly. These messages can be conveyed in many ways, from controlling behavior (which says that you're incapable on your own) to pushing relentlessly for perfection (which says that you're never going to be good enough). If your self-esteem constantly feels battered when you're around your parents or thinking about incidents from your childhood, you may have a toxicity problem.
7. You've Often Felt Responsible For Your Parents' Behavior
One of the features that seem to bring the adult children of toxic parents together is that, until they go into therapy, they often don't really acknowledge that their parents did anything wrong. Their family dynamic is so entrenched that they don't think of it as abnormal; it's just "the way things are." If your parents beat you, it was to keep you in line. If they were verbally abusive, you were acting out and deserved it. If they neglected you, you learned to be self-sufficient.
Children of toxic parents could have PhDs in justifying why their parents treated them so badly. Many of us still love our parents, and have been fed a constant narrative that we were the problem. It is extremely hard to move away from this point of view, and to pass through guilt and shame to understanding it wasn't our fault. But it can happen.
Source:http://www.bustle.com/articles/129270-7-signs-you-grew-up-with-a-toxic-parent-didnt-know-it
I found this on FB the other day. 4, 5, & 6 are me. All the way. But I have notes of 1 & 2 as well. My mom is super critical and making her happy/impressing her is impossible. And everything is her way or no way. Growing up I had very little self esteem and no sense of self worth. My thoughts and feelings didn't matter, so I never voiced them. And my mom was never emotionally available, so I never learned how to voice them properly anyway.
She wasn't that way on purpose. Her upbringing wasn't easy either and she was thrown into parenthood before she was ready to be a parent and then had to do it on her own. So I know she did her best and she tried to be strong for me while battling her own demons (she also suffers from depression), but it didn't stop me from wanting a mom who was more affectionate, more understanding, and more present. Our relationship now is awkward. I think we both want a closer relationship, but neither of us knows how to get there and the distance doesn't help.
When my daughter was a baby, I was jealous of how my mom interacted with her. Like, where was that behavior when I was small? But through therapy (and my own determination) I've let it go. I'm trying to see it as my mom getting a do over. And I'm doing my best to be the mom I wanted, to make sure my daughter knows she is loved and that I'm here for her.
It's a struggle because I have no idea what I'm doing and nothing to fall back on. I do find myself acting like my mom sometimes and it kills me. But I also need to be careful not to make her dependent on my praise. It may just be a phase, but she's constantly seeking that "good job" and it worries me. I want her to be well balanced, happy, and independent. I think that's everyone's goal as parents.
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no subject
on 2016-07-24 11:24 am (UTC)Yeah, isn't that the truth. *sigh*
Parenting is always a challenge, since we don't have those huge families anymore where it was always part of life and you could see how children were raised. These days, there are no role models anymore, and everyone starts from scratch. To use your own parents as a model is the only thing you can do.
I think you're doing a good job, from what I can tell.
If you like good advice on parenting, Jesper Juul is a great author. His main thing is to be "authentic", i.e. don't try to present a front, and you don't need to be perfect. I'm not a fan of book advice, but reading one of his books is definitely worth it (just don't ask me which one, I guess they're all similar).
no subject
on 2016-07-24 02:43 pm (UTC)That is true that the family dynamic has changed so much. I just worry about raising a well balanced child since my emotions aren't. I tend to be more detached than others. Not because I don't feel, but because I don't know how to express what I do feel.
Also, I hope you and your family are ok. I heard about the incident at the mall, but didn't know where you are in relation to it. This world is falling apart. :(
no subject
on 2016-07-30 08:01 am (UTC)