(no subject)

[lavenderspark]

Note to self, the time for a cathartic moment is NOT while driving. Thankfully I was able to get it together and stay in the road. I'm sitting in the car line waiting for Kiley now, so I wanted to write it out to get the rest off my mind before I drive again.

I felt the need to listen to Paula Cole today, so I started this morning, then was interrupted by my therapist. I had a virtual appointment I had forgotten about. So we talked about my holiday and how I've been feeling overwhelmed and stressed and afraid that I won't be able to leave. Just all these feelings that my life is just going to be stuck here forever.

After that I had lunch and then got in the car, resuming my music where I had left off. When

So call me a bitch in heat and
i call you a liar
and we'll throw stones until we're dead

there you go again you cut me off from talkin'
you bask in the glory
the center of the circle
all the friends think you're a fuckin' comedian
so kind and generous
but i am suffering

away from here
i wanna be
away from here
away from here
away from every little thing I have
every little thing
i used to love your every little every little thing

now you call me a bitch in heat and
i call you a liar
and we'll throw stones until we're dead

you're the puppeteer and i'm the puppet
you manipulate me with your real catholic shit
everytime i try to talk it through
you turn it around and make us out like david and goliath

away from here
i wanna be
away from here
away from here
away from every little thing I have
every little thing
i used to love your every little every little thing

now you call me a bitch in heat and
i call you a liar
and we'll throw stones until we're dead

your arms beneath me
you're lying inside me
i used to love your every little every little thing
your eyes blue stars
your hand in my purse
and now i hate your every little everything

oh mama
i didn't know life was this hard
oh mama
my innocence has been tarred

my inner vision, dulled and darkened
i give myself away to you
i felt my sorrow humble me
and throw my crown upon the ground

it's you i hope for
and us i pray for
and me that i believed that was wrong
and now my anger is my best friend
be careful i may bite your head off

liar

so call me a bitch in heat and
i'll call you a liar
and we'll throw stones until we're dead

so call me a bitch in heat and
i'll call you a mother fucker
and we'll throw stones until we're dead
came on, I turned it up. Its always been one of my favorites. It's a good angry song to belt out. I got to the bold lyrics and it just hit me. The parallels.

I just. Can life stop being so hard?

Comments

[singedsun]

I haven't listened to Paula Cole in FOREVER! So good.

[lavenderspark]

Yes! I only have two of her albums, but apparently she has a new album? Either just released or coming soon.

[tinny]

Taking meaning from songs is really impactful. <3 I do it all the time - I only remember the good ones, the ones that gave me strength or helped me make decisions. But I know I had some like yours, too, that highlight the pain.

<3 You'll be able to do it. You got through it this far! (and you stayed much longer than I thought you would over the last few years - I'm not saying I blame you, no! I'm saying you can bear it while you get everything ready.) And then you can leave. <3

[lavenderspark]

This just hit me out of no where. I've heard the song so many times, but it just came across different.

Thank you. I'm trying really hard to keep it together and get through it. I know the other side isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but I'm hoping to have my sanity.