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Sep. 13th, 2006 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lavendersparkok. so i've figured a few things out. about myself. feel free not to read this if you don't want to.
i've known for a while that i had become dependant on having a boyfriend, but i couldn't figure out why and therefore couldn't put a stop to it. i think i've finally figured it out.
see way back in high school when my life went to shit and i decided to stop talking people outside of the school walls, i lost all emotional ties to any friends i had. and even before that i had lost any best friend that i may have had. when i started having serious relationships, he became that best friend. he was the one that was there for me and was the one that i always talked to. and that's great, that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship. however what you're not supposed to do is make him your only close friend. because then when he leaves (as he inevitably will in hs) you have no one to turn to.
of course me, being the brilliant person that i am, when i discovered that i was alone, i promptly found myself another boy. to replace that empty spot in my life. this was a bad idea. i didn't know it then, but i know it now. and this is why my relationships have failed. i had no one to go to to talk about anything. so if i didn't want to talk to him about it, i kept it to myself. which is not good.
and so now, knowing this, i've been trying to find myself a best friend. however, you can't just go out and hunt down someone to be your best friend. it's a gradual thing. but i'm frustrated that i'm incapable of making this kind of relationship.
i think it has to do with all the time i spent on my own. i'm hesitant to call anyone that i don't call regularly because i'm afraid that they might not want to talk to me and will just do it simply to be nice. i've overcome everything except that. i can go to large parties and have fun, i can talk to random people there that i don't know, i have no problem being myself around everyone, all things like that. i just can't call those people. i would much rather have them call me.
or maybe it has to do with the fact that i don't understand what it is about me that people like. i can't see myself the same way others do. all i see is the boring girl that sits at home and reads or wanders around online. and when i meet someone at a party i'm a lot more lively than i am with just one person. i don't know how to be the same person one-on-one that i am at a party. it's hard to scale down. unless we go out, then i can do it. but if we just hang out at my place or theirs it's hard. of course my place is really hard because then they can see just how boring i really am...i don't have anything conversation worthy in my apartment. nothing that jumps out at people. i need to work on this. not just for them, but for me. i've been looking at some things to decorate my place with. it desperately needs it...my walls are so bare...but that's off topic.
anyway, just thought i would share what i've learned about myself...
i've known for a while that i had become dependant on having a boyfriend, but i couldn't figure out why and therefore couldn't put a stop to it. i think i've finally figured it out.
see way back in high school when my life went to shit and i decided to stop talking people outside of the school walls, i lost all emotional ties to any friends i had. and even before that i had lost any best friend that i may have had. when i started having serious relationships, he became that best friend. he was the one that was there for me and was the one that i always talked to. and that's great, that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship. however what you're not supposed to do is make him your only close friend. because then when he leaves (as he inevitably will in hs) you have no one to turn to.
of course me, being the brilliant person that i am, when i discovered that i was alone, i promptly found myself another boy. to replace that empty spot in my life. this was a bad idea. i didn't know it then, but i know it now. and this is why my relationships have failed. i had no one to go to to talk about anything. so if i didn't want to talk to him about it, i kept it to myself. which is not good.
and so now, knowing this, i've been trying to find myself a best friend. however, you can't just go out and hunt down someone to be your best friend. it's a gradual thing. but i'm frustrated that i'm incapable of making this kind of relationship.
i think it has to do with all the time i spent on my own. i'm hesitant to call anyone that i don't call regularly because i'm afraid that they might not want to talk to me and will just do it simply to be nice. i've overcome everything except that. i can go to large parties and have fun, i can talk to random people there that i don't know, i have no problem being myself around everyone, all things like that. i just can't call those people. i would much rather have them call me.
or maybe it has to do with the fact that i don't understand what it is about me that people like. i can't see myself the same way others do. all i see is the boring girl that sits at home and reads or wanders around online. and when i meet someone at a party i'm a lot more lively than i am with just one person. i don't know how to be the same person one-on-one that i am at a party. it's hard to scale down. unless we go out, then i can do it. but if we just hang out at my place or theirs it's hard. of course my place is really hard because then they can see just how boring i really am...i don't have anything conversation worthy in my apartment. nothing that jumps out at people. i need to work on this. not just for them, but for me. i've been looking at some things to decorate my place with. it desperately needs it...my walls are so bare...but that's off topic.
anyway, just thought i would share what i've learned about myself...
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no subject
on 2006-09-15 03:44 am (UTC)Stop being such a buttface, and realize that you are truly a beautiful person, and that's what makes us all love you so much!
And, if you think you're a "boring girl" do something about it! you have to make a conscious effort to change yourself for the better if its something you want to do! I mean, there's this girl at work that I _truly_ admire, she is always SO GENUINELY excited and happy to see each and every person that she talks to... I decided I want to be more like that, and I started making a conscious effort to, and now its becoming second nature to me! I am starting to become SO GENUINELY excited to talk to every person that i talk to and its "rubbing" off into other areas, too...
If you want to change something, go on and do it! as long as its a positive change and its done for YOU!
no subject
on 2006-09-16 03:47 pm (UTC)... about the "looking for a best friend" sort of thing.
After high school when I kinda lost both my best friends I went through this frantic search for new ones. It really can't be forced. And out of high school your relationships with people are drastically different. I enjoy having my group of close friends, but it's not like hs at all. I don't see people every day anymore.
When I was younger I thought my parents were lame for never seeing their "friends". Now I kinda get it that people just get older and tired. I don't do much during the week because I'm tired. I worry about work... there are too many other things.
But I enjoy hanging with you because you're fun. You're not "boring", you're "laid back" when there's no party. Some of my favorite moments with you have been when nothing is going on. We're just sitting around watching movies, or playing some weird card game... on a dirty floor...
Don't worry about it. You're you... and I like that.
And if you want to travel to Marshall's to look for cheap things for your walls... I'm your woman. Seriously... I LOVE to decorate.
true... true...
on 2006-09-24 05:31 am (UTC)It certainly doesn't help when one is very self-conscious either. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever expressed my true self, or if it's all covered up by charming mannerisms and quips. Maybe those are the true me... I hope not.
Another question I ask myself: Are all the things people like about me just the things I do and say out of the belief that everyone else is better than me?
P.S. If any of my established+close friends are reading this, what I said doesn't apply very much to our relationship.