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Feb. 28th, 2007 10:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lavendersparknot sure if this post will make any sense or if anyone really cares, so feel free to skip this entry if you wish.
i don't know if anyone will understand, but every once in a while i need to know that charles is ok. it's not just curiousity, it's a definite need. sometimes it's just something i feel and sometimes i'll have a dream about him. and unless i check in and know that he's ok i can't stop thinking about him. this has become rather complicated since he refuses to speak to me at all. but as he has joined the rest of us and has a myspace, i can check that when the need arises. it's not much, but it's something.
last night i had a crazy dream and he was in it. so when i woke up this morning i needed to know that he was ok. i checked his myspace (which is full of adoring girls) this morning and he seems to be doing the same as he has been. i still worry that he's unhappy, but i'll never really know if he is or isn't since he won't talk to me.
as i was looking at his page i noticed that he had done one of those "about me" surveys. i read thru it and noticed that he said he had been in love once. i can't help but wonder if he's speaking of me or of someone else. a part of me wonders what would have happened if i hadn't listend to collin and had taken him back when he asked me. i guess a part of me will always be in love with the boy i thought i knew.
but if i had stayed with him i may not have met andy. and right now i don't know what i would do with out him. he takes care of me and does and says things that no one else ever has. and most of all he makes me happy. he knows my past and accepts it for what it is -the past. and with my kind of shady past that's hard to find. i wouldn't trade him for anything.
i do wish that charles could have stayed a part of my life, but i guess he decided he didn't need me any more. or maybe he just can't stand the thought of me. i don't know. i wish i did, but i know i never will. i've made all the attempts i can to start a friendship so i just have to settle with a bit of stalking when checking on him. maybe someday the need will go away.
i don't know if anyone will understand, but every once in a while i need to know that charles is ok. it's not just curiousity, it's a definite need. sometimes it's just something i feel and sometimes i'll have a dream about him. and unless i check in and know that he's ok i can't stop thinking about him. this has become rather complicated since he refuses to speak to me at all. but as he has joined the rest of us and has a myspace, i can check that when the need arises. it's not much, but it's something.
last night i had a crazy dream and he was in it. so when i woke up this morning i needed to know that he was ok. i checked his myspace (which is full of adoring girls) this morning and he seems to be doing the same as he has been. i still worry that he's unhappy, but i'll never really know if he is or isn't since he won't talk to me.
as i was looking at his page i noticed that he had done one of those "about me" surveys. i read thru it and noticed that he said he had been in love once. i can't help but wonder if he's speaking of me or of someone else. a part of me wonders what would have happened if i hadn't listend to collin and had taken him back when he asked me. i guess a part of me will always be in love with the boy i thought i knew.
but if i had stayed with him i may not have met andy. and right now i don't know what i would do with out him. he takes care of me and does and says things that no one else ever has. and most of all he makes me happy. he knows my past and accepts it for what it is -the past. and with my kind of shady past that's hard to find. i wouldn't trade him for anything.
i do wish that charles could have stayed a part of my life, but i guess he decided he didn't need me any more. or maybe he just can't stand the thought of me. i don't know. i wish i did, but i know i never will. i've made all the attempts i can to start a friendship so i just have to settle with a bit of stalking when checking on him. maybe someday the need will go away.
